What I have learned from the movies - Written by JB!

I may not be a cinephile, but I love movies. I’m the type of person who collects her movie stubs and pretends to be a somewhat knowledgeable film critic when I tell my blog readers why I think Rambo had nuance. I’ve skipped school to see the very first showing of each of the Lord of the Rings installments, with my best friend, (and our parents we were that cool.) Heck, I even faked sick at work so I could catch the midnight showing of Spiderman 3, (let’s forget about that disappointment and try and move on.)

Basically, I’ve loved movies ever since my mom plopped me down in front of the TV when I was four to watch The Wizard of Oz for its cinematic importance. I’ve since discovered that there are more than three movies in the world (The Last Unicorn, Labyrinth, and The Land Before Time seemed to be the only movies I watched between the ages of 4 and 6). At the risk of being a one-trick pony, I’ve compiled a list of things I’ve learned from movies.

10. Martial arts are the most important skills you can learn. Every bad person in the world knows martial arts, so it’s important you’re able to out-kick them. Plus, you can fly.

9. Never lock your doors. The only time you do use the locks, a chainsaw-wielding serial killer happens to be outside your home. Of course, by the time you do begin locking your doors, you’re too late because he’s already managed to sneak in through the back door.

8. You don’t need to wear seatbelts, even if you’re in a high speed chase in crowded city streets with lots of traffic. In fact, moments after you put on a seatbelt will be the time your car will suffer an accident, usually involving lots of rolling around and, if you’re a bad guy, an explosion.

7. You don’t actually need to take driving courses or get a pilot’s license. You will instantly know how to drive any transportation vehicle the second you get behind the wheel, be it a helicopter or a standard Lamborghini, or a yacht. Also, when driving any mode of transportation, you don’t actually need to look at where you’re going. Feel free to carry on an engrossing conversation with your passengers.

6. It is perfectly acceptable to break out into song and dance. In fact, even if you’re making up the lyrics and choreography on the fly, everyone around you is following your cues in perfect sync and pitch.

5. It doesn’t matter what kind of building you’re in or your body size; every building is equipped with sound proof and very sturdy ventilation systems. Every ventilation system is easily accessible and conveniently has an opening over the evildoer’s office. The only time the ductwork cannot support your weight is when an evil minion is about to enter or has just left the room you’re spying on.

4. You can kidnap just about anyone in public without incident or being reported. The only witnesses are either geriatrics too weak to do anything about it, or too apathetic to stop you. However, you’re almost guaranteed to wind up with a bullet to the head or heart once the hero and his sharpshooters find you, especially if you’ve kidnapped a woman or child.

3. Your lipstick will never wear off, even overnight. Even if you’ve been in a comatose in a hospital bed for a week, you’ll wake up with luscious red lips and not a single mascara smear.

2. You’ll always get the boy or girl in the end, no matter how much of a jerk you’ve been. If the boy/girl is married, his/her spouse will always gladly step aside or sign the divorce papers amicably if it makes his or her ex happy with the person they were supposedly meant to be with. Of course, if there are kids involved, there is no husband or wife, only long-time exes who are best friends, or dead husbands or wives. The only exception is if you’re a superhero who has to forgo relationships for the wellness of humanity.

1. The person of the opposite sex that you hate the most and cannot fathom ever getting along with will, without fail, wind up being your soulmate. Especially true if you’ve already married him or her in a drunken frenzy before you woke up to find out just how much you loathe him or her.

This article has been written by JB, You can view her blog here.